The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
