Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I need to calm my uterus...
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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