just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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