Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
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