You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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