and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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