So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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