I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
