OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I have already put on my inside pants.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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