I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
