Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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