He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
birth control should be required to get into college
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
