Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
