I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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