my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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