Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
