god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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