i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
