My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
