i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
