I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
