I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
