The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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