when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize