I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
