There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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