what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
