On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i barfeds in our rink
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
