I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
