I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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