You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
