I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
