i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You are a genius and a whore.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
