Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
