The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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