and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
