I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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