Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You took a bar mat shot.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
