I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
