I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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