So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
we're so committed to being not committed
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize