this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
