Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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