I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
