You made me cry and you don't even care
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
