I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
