my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
