I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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