We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Randomize
