So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
