All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
