when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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