My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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