I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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