Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So much rum. So many feels.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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