I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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