It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I need to stop coming to work sober
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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