we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
