I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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