I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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