so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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