There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
