Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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